Advocating for Yourself and Healthy Boundaries

I feel like advocating for yourself, your healthy boundaries, and your needs has gradually become harder over time. It’s become more anxiety producing, more pushed off by others, or by the systems that we interact with. When you’re forced to push for your needs, breathing quickens, your heart starts to pound against your rib cage. Maybe it feels like you can’t breath. And there is a sense of injustice and anger that boils under the surface as you are having to push to have your needs met. Especially if it’s an instance where you shouldn’t have to be pushing for those needs.

But with such a strong reaction in your body and thoughts racing a mile a minute, how can we get our words out effectively? Sure it’s easy if it’s an email, you can rewrite that countless times until it is eloquent enough to express your feelings and needs all in one. When you’re face to face, or even on a phone call – it’s not so easy anymore. Words get jumbled, thoughts don’t come out right. As hard as it is, we need to step back and get control of what is going on inside of our bodies to be effective and helpful to ourselves.

Getting Control Back

Step back and breath, even physically step back if you have to. Deep, calming, cleansing breaths. Use them to steady your mind, slow your heart, control your breathing. Maybe even ask those feelings to step back and let you be in control, have them stand next to you or behind you for support. Those parts don’t have to be in control, and shouldn’t be in control to have needs effectively met.

Next, ask yourself, “What is my goal in talking to this person?” Then choose your thoughts and words to match that goal. If your goal is to get the emotions out, is that really going to be helpful down the road. Probably not, but yeah it does sometimes feel good in the moment. Personally, I think that’s a good time to walk away and rant to yourself away from the current situation. If the goal is to have a need met, show the emotion but don’t let that part control you. You can let the feelings out without them running what you say. You can have them on your face, but not in what you say. Sometimes it’s not even wise to have it in how you say something.

The Push Against Boundaries

No conversation needs to be immediate, everyone can step away and come back with a calmer demeanor. Come back to the issue when you are in control and not the other parts of you that are not the best to let out in the situation. If the issue is pushed to be addressed immediately in the moment, then step back and say no. Push for that health boundary. Force the respect because you deserve to have a moment to compose yourself, nothing is so urgent that you can’t take care of yourself first.

There is going to be some push back from the other person, they push back in the hopes that you’ll give in. This is especially so if it’s either new for you to be advocating for healthy boundaries and your needs, if this is a new boundary for you, or if this person isn’t used to limits being set on their behaviors. Their push back is going to probably cause you to feel some doubt or guilt. So stand firm in your needs. Know that there is nothing to feel guilty about. You have the right to set boundaries and voice your needs.

A Reminder

You deserve respect and to have your needs met. Everyone does. The world and people in it aren’t against you, they are just for themselves. That’s why we need to work with the parts of us that are struggling to advocate for ourselves to get our needs out there and met.